Broken

This blog post was written October 15, 2010

“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all to stand.
Ephesians 6:12-13

The desire to be a Student Missionary has been heavy on my heart since I was in the fifth grade. Around that time, my cousin served as an SM on the Island of Yap. His time of service changed his life in such a huge way that I knew I wanted the same for my life. I continued to see the power a year of service can have in the lives of those around me as I grew up. In essence, Student Missions wasn’t something I really considered—it was merely a part of my future that would inevitably happen. As a result of this dream, I began researching locations for service at the beginning of my Sophomore year of college. The journey to my Ethiopian mission field is far too lengthy and complicated to share in this post, but it was definitely much different than I’d ever dreamed. Before long, Spring Break was over and SM class began. There were continual ups and downs in my journey, and the fast approaching reality of leaving my family and all that’s familiar grew more and more overwhelming, but I knew SM was God’s plan for my life and dove into SM preparation as much as possible. During SM class, former SM after former SM warned us to “expect the unexpected,” that “nothing can prepare you for your SM experience.” We were assured that our 9-12 months of service would most likely be “the hardest thing we’d ever done, but also the best.”

I’ve now been in Ethiopia for over 2 months and these statements could not have proven themselves more true in my experience. Like my last blog explained, I’ve been through countless illnesses (the most recent being Sinusitus and a mild case of Bronchitus), been through the ups and downs of culture shock, experienced terrible boughts of homesickness, and felt overwhelmed at my inadequacies on a near daily basis. The cultural barriers and slow pace of life often make me question my effectiveness and the reason God called me to serve here. Just when I reach my lowest point, however, God gives me glimpses of His love, mercy and plan for my life. Each glance comes in a different form, but each is just a precious. Sometimes the glimpse comes in the form of a new child with a tragic story that is placed in my path, giving me the opportunity to share the hope and joy God has given me with a simple hug or smile. Other times He takes me to just the right scripture at just the right time. Today, for example, I was struggling with intense discouragement and God led me to Psalm 51:8: “Make me hear joy and gladness, that the bones You have broken may rejoice.” How beautiful to be reminded that God can bring joy and gladness out of the pain, loneliness, and struggles I am encountering! And still other times, God speaks to me through music. Listening to songs describing the sacrifice Jesus made for me remind me that He is by my side. I appreciate His sacrifice more than ever before. I get overwhelmed missing my family and friends—He left Heaven. The thought of being away from home for 7 ½ more months is overbearing—He was away from his Home and Father for 33 YEARS. I wonder if I’m making a difference and get discouraged—He was despised and rejected. Realizing the enormity of His suffering and that He was willing to endure it all for me makes me long to serve Him with all my heart. And finally, He encourages me by taking me to rock bottom and reminding me that He alone can give me true joy and contentment. That, I believe, is the irony of Christianity— by being broken and crushed, we can find true healing, fulfillment, and purpose.
In closing, I refer back to Ephesians 6:12-13. My journey as an SM has revealed to me in a greater way than ever before that the battle we fight is truly not against flesh and blood, “but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.” I realize that I, to quote David Asscherick, “cannot even lift my head off the pillow without Jesus Christ.” This battlefield is the most dangerous and scary I’ve ever been on before, and yet I realize more with each passing week that my General has the perfect battle plan and success is guaranteed. Sure, there might be battle wounds along the way; there will be treacherous ground and tough conditions to endure, but in the end He will be victorious. This assurance gives me hope; the ability to press on. So, my precious friends and family, keep fighting. Even when you feel overwhelmed, when you wonder if you are capable of making a difference for Christ, cling to the knowledge that Jesus is Conqueror and will carry you through. By His grace, we can learn to find joy and gladness and rejoice in the “bones” God has broken.